How to completely suck at life

If you want your life to be completely sucky, I strongly recommend you do all of the following:

1. Blame: If your life isn’t where you want it to be, it’s not your fault. Instead, you should blame your parents, your teachers, your spouse(s), your children, the government, the economy, your astrological birth chart (damn you, Saturn!), or whatever you can think of. Get creative here! You are an amazing talent, the likes of which the world rarely sees: how nasty of those Australian Idol/X Factory/Voice/[insert reality TV show] judges to say you have a voice that sounds like a cat is being trodden on! You are an artiste, and if you don’t get your big break, it’s all their fault. Your health, finances and career are all a victim of circumstances beyond your control, and the very best thing you can do is blame everybody else for them.

2. Hoard: You kind of expect me to say that on a minimalist blog, don’t you? The golden rule here is never throw anything out. Ever! You might need that thingummyjig or whatsit some day! And even if you don’t, you still paid good money for it. Or even if it was a gift, it’s worth something, and someday you’ll be able to sell it on eBay for quite a lot of money. So you should absolutely hold on to your collection of tacky t-shirts (most of which are faded, stained, don’t fit properly, or are in ghastly shades of mustard), pile them in a corner somewhere, and get very upset if anyone touches your stuff. Oh, and you don’t actually need to know where anything actually is: you just need to have it stashed somewhere. Oh, and you won’t have many visitors dropping by given the state of your house, so it gives you a nice sense of isolation.

3. YOLO: You only live once is the motto you should absolutely live by under all and any circumstances. Don’t bother eating nutritious food and exercising — YOLO! Instead, have as much greasy fried food and sugary soda as you like — it’s fun! Don’t worry about being 50kg overweight, your soulmate should recognise you through all your layers, and if he/she doesn’t, they were never your soulmate anyway. Also, you should take up lots of dangerous sports — base jumping comes to mind here — because YOLO! Don’t worry about other people saying that jumping off cliffs without a parachute open till the last minute is dangerous — they’re just the fun police! Oh, and drugs? Party time! You should take as many drugs as often as you like — remember, you only live once (and if you’re taking lots of drugs, it probably won’t be for that long, either).

4. Whine and complain: apart from the good, happy feelings that invariably follow a good bitch and moan session, it makes you irresistably attractive. Who can resist the allure of someone complaining about the weather, or saying their boss is a jerk. And when they start talking about all their aches and pains, hold me back! Whining and complaining is also a wonderful remedy to actually doing something — instead, you get to blame someone else, and that’s infinitely more fun!

5. Misery loves company: and you should set out to be miserable as often as you can. Those people who tell you if life hands you lemons, make lemonade — don’t you just want to slap them? Hard? Remember, every silver lining has a dark cloud right behind it: you need to point out all the things that can possibly go wrong, and even a few unlikely things that may, just possibly, go wrong, so that you and everyone else around you lives under a dark cloud of fear and suspicion. That way, when things do go wrong (as they invariably do!), you’re mentally prepared the way with pessimism. Remember: not only is the glass half-empty, but there’s a chip in the side of the glass, there could be a glass fragment in the water, and it’s probably carrying cholera.

6. Don’t set goals: Most important of all. You are not captain of your fate, and master of your destiny, despite what those annoying Doris Day types will tell you (point #5). Instead, you should drift along in a cloud of misery (point #4), whine and complain about circumstances (#3), avoid any long-term planning (#2), and blame everyone else for the mess you’re in (#1).

There you go: 6 foolproof steps to completely sucking at life. Enjoy! (or, not…)

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